4. First Love

Aug 08, 2015

4. First Love

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Preoccupation: First love has a way of taking over ones mind…almost completely. Is this very human Rite Of Passage any different today than it was in your past?

Peer Group: How soon do you recall being concerned about your own peer group’s opinion of you, as an individual…what mattered most?

Ambition: Whose example did you want to follow? If it was a parent, then did you want to do better than they had done?

8 Comments

  1. Jean Sozio Says: October 21, 2015 11:40 pm

    1. Can’t answer that
    2. Sixth grade – I liked making people laugh – that they would find me friendly
    3. No one – I wanted to use my own mind and feelings and experience hands-on for myself

  2. Jean Sozio Says: October 21, 2015 11:42 pm

    1. Can’t answer that
    2. Sixth grade – that they would find me friendly
    3. No one – I wanted to use my own mind and feelings and experience hands-on for myself

  3. Bluefish62 Says: December 30, 2015 12:24 pm

    1. Absolutely not. I’ve watched two of my four sons go through it. One is married, the other currently struggles with loneliness. I’m close with my boys. We talk about EVERYTHING! And I do mean EVERYTHING. I feel that old familiar pain creeping into my belly and heart whenever they talk about their relationships and loves lost over the past years. Especially the bad ones and the break ups. Now as young men. Many things are the same, feelings of wanting to be loved and accepted. To not be rejected and the emptiness this creates. The madness the emptiness perpetuates….. Yes, that doesn’t seem to go away with age either; I’m here to say! I fall in love the same way now, as I did at 10. Totally engulfed with that person and thoughts of them. I see this with the younger generation as well. Absolute fascination and focus with their new love.
    2.Well, it would have been in the 7th grade and I was walking into band class. I played the flute from 5th grade to my senior year. One of the drummers I believe yelled out “Hey Eby (my family nickname which I used at the time) do you stuff your bra?” Of course the whole room was full of band members and many burst into laughter. I crumbled inside and slinked to my chair. Horrified! I was tall and skinny and a had yet to be blessed with all my body parts so my shirt might have appeared a bit crumply and wrinkly, if you know what I mean. It was not my best day!

    Mainly though, I just wanted to be accepted and liked. I would do things above and beyond for others in order to achieve this. I felt guilty at times, but now realize, it’s just how I am. I have always been a “pleaser” and a doer for others. Part of my “love language” so to speak, is the other party showing gratefulness for things I do for them. Ungratefulness or being unforgtiven means they hate me? I’m sure it’s part of that co-dependent thingy,,,which I battle. 🙂
    3. I initially wanted to be a doctor like my father. You know, to gain his acceptance and attention. Well that didn’t last long. I had several really loving teacher’s in high school. Namely my 12th grade drama teacher. We are friends to this day. So if anyone, it would be him and several over teachers who were great mentors to me. I attended 13 different schools and 4 different high schools. It was quite traumatic to me. (life as an army brat)

  4. Graham Says: December 30, 2015 5:50 pm

    Darie, when I began this blog of mine, based upon the memoirs of my life with Treena, I hoped that one day, someone would write with equal passion and openness about their own ‘rites of passage’ in our often uncomfortable world.
    At last, here you are! I can feel your story, you write with ‘both hands’ it’s a gift.
    If possible, when you have the time, please follow along with my story and add yours..who knows, we might attract a few more folks who have chosen to head upstream and have for the most part, found ways to overcome?
    May I refer you and your son to His Place Podcast dated 27 Dec 2015 ( insert link here please) I hope it may bring some comfort.

    Upstreaming on purpose! Graham.

  5. Bluefish62 Says: December 31, 2015 7:01 am

    Thanks Graham! That means so much to me! I am reading and will post on each section as I go. I haven’t written in a while and beginning this yesterday has been very cathartic for me. It seems to be helping me move out of a VERY dark place I’ve been in since my return from the UK last month (and even before.)

    I’ve never heard about writing with “both hands.” Maybe you could explain this to me a bit more when you have the time.

    If you mean follow along and write on here, then absolutely! If you are meaning to write somewhere else, please let me know where. I would thoroughly enjoy the endeavor. I also hate that I am unable to return to my previous posts and fix typos in my writings, ugh! I’m a bit anal like that!! Ha! Let me know more about where to find that Podcast. I will send it to my boys then and listen as well.

    It’s a VERY rough time of year for my entire family. We are all adept, (me the most I believe,) at wearing a mask of “false bravado.” When I find I can no longer maintain this “mask” I isolate myself. Being the extrovert I am, this is when I feel at my lowest. That’s where I’ve been for around 6 weeks now. Just one DAY without tears would be good about now. 🙂

    I’d be honored to swim upstream with you. It’s good to find a new friend who thinks similarly and it’s lovely to shake your “fin.” 😉

    Blessings and love! Darie

  6. Lynn Says: February 20, 2016 1:51 am

    Preoccupation: My experience with “love” is that I have felt an anticipation when meeting someone new where there was mutual attraction. Adult years’ dating had its beginning moments of feeling overwhelmed, but melted with time into the reality that the first spark was not to be the “love of my life”. I thank God often for His intervention that stopped some relationships that would never have become a “good more” for a lifetime. I have always deeply longed to marry but that has not been God’s plan – or his plan yet?? As I am into my 70th year, I know without a doubt were God’s man for the rest of my lifetime finally arrive on the scene, I’d be as “moony-eyed” as Graham was when meeting his Treena!! 🙂

    Peer Group: As I have shared elsewhere, my peer group changed every year with my family moving. I am not aware I was needing others’ opinions of me. I simply appreciated finding a group of friends with whom I was comfortable – kindred souls. I am someone others have always come to for encouragement and at times that can bring depletion. I need my own kindred ones to keep me encouraged. What is most important to me is connection to these few close friends, while welcoming new ones who may or may not stay around. There is a contentment in established relationships where “measuring up” is never an issue. One is measured for the worth and value they are in God’s eyes and it is through His eyes that the “kindredness” with others becomes the the gift of being on equal ground.

    Ambition: I can say honestly that neither of my parents were ones whose example I wanted to follow. They were loving and caring but non-communicative at the depths I wanted and needed that helped me feel connected to them – although I loved them. In my mid-teen years, it was a couple of teachers who helped me find the “voice” that is “me”; the gift that God planted in me. Once I realized people existed – adult people – who saw worth in me, I began to come out of a shell where I had gone for protection. It was their influence that helped me to recognize the gift God had for me to use and that was and has continued to be a “someone” who searches for and finds the giftedness in others that will help them to soar! What a privilege.

    .

  7. Kerryn Says: April 24, 2016 11:44 am

    Preoccupation: I think that one’s first love does still take over the mind & whole being almost completely. It sure was so for me, hubby & my sons. When my hubby & I discussed this question we felt that what is different today than in our past is that it all happens sooooo much faster now due to mobile phones (cells), internet & the expectation that they have sex so young! It saddens us that the whole slow process of courting is fast tracked & often mimics the throw away world that we now have! Sad!
    Peer Group: I think my earliest memory of caring what others thought of me was when I moved cities & therefore schools in grade 4. I just wanted some friends who liked me & I didn’t want to be noticed for being stupid!! I’d come from a “demonstration school” where we learned Maths through play. When I arrived at the new school it was all done so formally & with times tables being drilled & I didn’t know my tables! I remember feeling silly & asking my Dad to help me every night with my tables, so that I would fit in at school.
    Ambition: I had great difficulty thinking whose example I wanted to follow! I had to really delve into that question. I finally decided that I think it was my maternal Grandma whom I most admired for many reasons. I used to ride to her place after school about 3 times/week & sit having a cuppa & chatting together about my day at school & having a chuckle. She only lived a block from our house & I loved feeling special with her. She was such a nurturing lady who loved her family, always encouraged me & also taught me to crochet. Oh I miss her!

  8. Carol Ritchie Says: April 26, 2016 10:10 pm

    Preoccupation
    I remember after my ambush makeover from my peers in my class (a 5th & 6th grade combo . . . not sure why they did that, but I think watching the sixth graders helped push us to do better.) I discovered my first love /crush! The girls asked me who I liked, and encouraged me to ask if he would go steady with me. I drummed up the courage and he said yes! That was about it, I was so shy, but I sat next to him once at lunch, shaking in my boots, flushed with the beginning/meaning of caring for someone. Love is very important to me! The other day I was feeling stressed, and said a little prayer to help me through it. I instantly felt God’s love! What a relief it was. What a powerful thing!

    Peer group
    It was around the same time. until then, I was not treated well by peers (therapy in later life has healed this, thank goodness, lol!) After the makeover I felt beautiful for the first time, and confident for my future.

    Ambition
    Around the same time (my leap! ) I saw a junior high school trumpet player perform at our school. The fact the person was a she (I thought that was only for boys) left a big impression. It left me empowered to follow my dreams . My journey took me to first chair trumpet in the top band in my senior year!

  9. Dedra Says: May 27, 2016 7:28 pm

    1. Preoccupation remains the same taking over ones mind yesterday, today and tomorrow.
    2. For the most part I wasn’t and am not concerned with peers’s opinion of me. But I am ashamed to say, once when I was about 11 yrs old, I was embarrassed for my Dad to drop me off at a friend’s house in his old pick up truck. At the time I thought my friend possessed nicer things. This has haunted me ever since. In no way did it have anything to do with my Dad. It was all about “things” and what my friend would think of me.
    3. I wanted to be just like my Dad. He had a great sense of humor and quiet strength with humility. Doing “better” than my parents wasn’t really considered. I wanted to live up to them. I don’t believe I have accomplished that but I am still striving.

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