11. Off To The Unknown

Aug 08, 2015

11. Off To The Unknown

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Unresolved Conflict: When conflict causes a separation without reconciliation it can remain a constant obstacle for life. Have you ever parted without an attempt at reconciliation? Is there yet still time?

Silence? The advice to be “silent” about painful issues can often be a mistake. Did you ever benefit by “talking-it-through” regardless of the pain?

2 Comments

  1. Bluefish62 Says: January 28, 2016 10:20 am

    1. I am behind in my reading but also have put off answering this set of questions, as I knew they might cut deep. I have recently experienced a separation from someone I care for a great deal. There was no sort of reconciliation or closure after the conflict which caused our separation. The other party, however, is the one who refuses to communicate. So I torture myself daily wondering what I did or didn’t do that was correct. Or if I hurt them in some way. If I did then an apology and forgiveness is warranted. There it is. The deep chasm of miscommunication and/or a lack of communication. It has created a dark vacuum in my soul these past few months. I am unable to move on or feel happy about much else in my life since then. In other words, it’s a HUGE obstacle for me. Not just emotionally but logistically.The pain and sadness spill into and color every other aspect of my life. And of my “being.” I still continue to reach out for reconciliation but at some point know I will just have to let it go. It’s the “not knowing” that keeps me awake most nights. “L’esprit de l’escalier.” I wish I had done things differently and I wish I had known better. “Lo Douleur Exquise.” Hind sight is 20/20 but love? I think it’s invisible to some.

    A second reconciliation regret or episode in my life revolved around lending money to good friends. Back around 10 years ago or so I had a very close friend. Her husband became ill with Multiple Sclerosis and was unable to work. They started a cafe with her at the helm, as he was wheelchair bound most of the time. A few months in they were struggling financially. She asked me for a personal loan of 12K dollars to tide them over for about two months. Promising to repay the debt, with interest, within six months or thereabouts. Well, you know the rest of the story right? The only reason I had this money to lend at all was because it was 1/2 of the remainder of my husbands life insurance proceeds. I had around 22K left at this time. I lent this money to my “friends” fully expecting it to return to me. It never has. Her husband deserted his family soon after because after the fact I discovered he was gambling online, visiting the local strip bar and spending all their money (MY money in the end) on anything but the cafe.
    I was crushed and felt like the biggest idiot on the planet. That was money I needed and HAVE needed these past ten years. I remained friends with her for a year or more after he jumped ship. You know, to support her through the “tragedy,” etc! What a joke, right? It’s just how I am. A glutton for punishment. I never held her responsible for his debt. She ended the friendship a few years later over some trivial matter she blew out of proportion. I cried for months because I loved her dearly. She would never allow reconciliation. So now, I carry around this paper, showing the amount of money they owe me and wonder. How could someone treat a “friend” in this manner? Also, I think how nice it would be to have had that money to help my boys and myself, these past 10 years. So not only did my stupid decision affect me, it affected my boys. (Or is it effect? I hate that I can’t remember the proper grammar with these words!) So I have a lot of guilt about that decision to this day. Live and learn.

    2. I don’t remember a time when I was promoted before being ready. Except for motherhood that is. I was a stay at home mother and consider this my real “job” on this earth. It’s the only job I’ve ever had that’s meant anything, that’s for sure. So when God allowed me to become a “mother” at the age of 25, I was anything but ready. The next three “promotions,” the first occurring only 18 months later, were the REAL shockers. I skipped a whole bunch of rungs when that third one came along! As for my fourth little “bundle of promotion?” We didn’t even notice that poor little feller and even forgot him in the van outside the house one day! It was only for a few minutes, nobody panic! It’s quite funny in hindsight. He’s 6’8″ now and no longer a little feller. 🙂

    3. This is a difficult question for me. Although I have strong opinions coupled with an outgoing personality, when it comes to confrontation I usually retreat. I am a true “lover” and not a fighter. My mom said me and my husband were the oddest couple she’d ever seen. Why? Because in 13 years, we never had ONE fight or confrontation. That was because I’m not confrontational and he was easygoing. We just melded wonderfully. It was a rare thing and I miss him everyday, even after close to 17 years. So this area, talking it through regardless of the pain, is an area I am still working on. The ironic thing though? When I DO want to talk (see question 1) even with the pain it involves, the other party doesn’t. It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world ain’t it? 🙂

  2. Lynn Severance Says: February 27, 2016 10:20 pm

    Unresolved Conflict: The deepest separation erupted when my father remarried. I was 24 years old and was not affected in ways that a young child in a home would be. I felt confident I could remain in relationship with both my parents. When my father’s new wife required him (and he chose to allow it) to separate himself from all he knew before her except a few military friends, he did. That included all family including his own children. She used the most decisive means to accomplish her goals and that was 48 years ago. I have chosen to keep in touch with them (cards, letters) and at first felt if I could get the truth across – somehow my father would believe what I had to say or come right out and say that given the choice, he chose as he did. His stance has remained that “we” (his children) offended his wife and therefore. . .I feel I have honored my father and his wife and every means of reconciliation has been tried. Is there still time? Up to the point of someone’s death there is always time for God to work miracles.

    Too much too soon: I have not known the experience of being promoted to a new position in my career and not been ready. I did change grade levels during my teaching career and had opportunities outside of the classroom to work. There were times I felt I was not ready – but others felt I was and with God’s nudge, I stepped out ( perhaps not UP) and had some amazing and nurturing experiences.

    Silence: Given the chance, I always want to talk things through – the joys or the pains or miscommunications. As I stated elsewhere, it takes a willing “other” and without that ingredient, there have been times I am left to take the pain or the non-resolution to God and let Him help me sort it out until peace within me is restored.

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